Talk Talk... or else!

Dear Mum,

I am so glad the weekend is here!  This week has been jam-packed with ‘team bonding’ and ‘ice breaker’ exercises at work. I cannot think of anything I’d rather do less.

Why do employers regard this as necessary? They must believe we are incapable of introducing ourselves and naturally conversing with others. An odd assumption as each of us was clearly able to do this in our interviews else we wouldn’t have gotten the job.

One such exercise was ‘speed dating.’  

Firstly, the name of this ‘bonding’ exercise made me want to hide in the toilets with a mock sickness. “You go on ahead, guys. Gutted I’m missing out, gutted.”

Secondly, shaking that many people’s hands made me realise the importance of a firm handshake. I had one girl caress my hands in a Uriah Heep fashion, her clammy mitts slithering either side of my hand. Minging. I did then nip to the loo purely to wash my hands.

Thirdly, it seems perverse to ‘bond’ with someone over a laminated questionnaire rather than chat normally. It is very rare that the first three questions I ask a new acquaintance are: “What is your favourite beverage?”, “What was the name of your first pet?” and “What is unusual/unique about you?”

Fourthly, is it necessary for the senior members to stand on the side gawping at us, massive grins imprinted on their faces, as if we’re lab rats behaving as they’d hope we would? “This is going swimmingly well,” they clearly think, “aren’t we clever for coming up with this exercise?”

Yes, thank heavens you were here – if it weren’t for you we would never talked to one another and learnt such fascinating personal information! I now know Pam’s favourite beverage is a sherry, her first pet was a cat called Dandy and she has the unusual ability to chat! AMAZING!

Much love, x