**We interrupt this programme with a letter for Samantha Brick**

Dear Samantha,

I am pausing my script diary as I cannot remain silent any longer.

You really do seem to have had a tough time of it, Samantha. Clearly, as you stated in your Daily Mail article a month ago, looking that good simply isn’t easy. Thank you for opening my eyes to this.

And heavens above! You must be a real stunner if women refuse to talk to you, threatened by your beautiful exterior. I would’ve though it was because of your arrogance, your egotism, your blinkered vision. That goes to show how ill-informed I am. I must be very plain indeed if I’ve never experienced and failed to recognise this social failing in women.

Indeed, I don’t think I’ve ever isolated a beautiful woman because I felt threatened by their beauty.

If they are beautiful but a bit wet or, far worse, an unkind person, I recoil and the woman loses their wonderful looks, a bit like Hal finds in Shallow Hal. If they are beautiful and charismatic, or beautiful and pleasant, I instead desperately want to be friends with them, which explains why all of my girlfriends are beautiful. (I also once developed a crush on a female lecturer – she was a total babe, but this sadly grew into an unhealthy obsession. Grossly unhealthy, in fact, which my uni friends can testify to).  

Poor Samantha! You have faced some pretty personal and cruel remarks, and all based on your off the charts sexy-scale rating.

But this is where little plain me would like to give you some advice, woman to woman. So I hope you’re paying attention, Sam. Do you mind if I call you Sam???

I don’t think writing about it in a national newspaper was a sensible idea. Controversial of me, I know!

Obviously distracted by all of those horrible women ignoring you, you forgot the most prominent trait of the nation. We like modesty. This was your first error. Your haughty and self-pitying article was not the right move to make you the next Kate Middleton, or Beyonce, or Lily Cole. All beautiful, warm, modest women who, importantly, have somehow managed to keep their female friends. How do they do it, Sam?

Your second error was turning on your fellow women, painting a pretty dismal image of womankind, not only in the form of women’s nasty reactions to your looks but your, dare I repeat it, unprofessional declaration about your awful situation.

Which brings me to your recent comments about Mary Beard and the reason for my finally settling down to write to you.

I’m finding it a little difficult to understand how you point the finger at women, saying they exclude you purely based upon your looks, and then you (guilty as charged) do exactly the same thing, saying Mary Beard should not present on TV because of her – in your opinion – unpresentable looks.

Tut tut tut. This is rather hypocritical and very naïve, Sam.

Besides which, both you and AA Gill fail to recognise that Mary is not on TV to present Miss World but researches and fronts an educational programme in a field she excels in.

I’d be willing to bet money that the people watching ‘Meet the Romans’ were not anticipating 300 with the drop-dead-gorgeous Lena Headey (who, of course, looks like Gollum next to you, Sam). Most people simply wanted to be informed by a leading and charismatic academic, just as people have been watching Lucy Worsley or Bettany Hughes.

Indeed, all three women are firstly academics or historians and do a bit of TV on the side. Furthermore, the fact that Mary’s programme is called ‘Meet the Romans with Mary Beard’ emphasises her prominent standing as a well-informed Classicist with a strong following of academics, students, and your average Joes (which is you and me, Sam).

So, while being unkind to Mary yourself, Sam, you also failed to recognise what her programme is about.

The third episode, by the way, as I’m assuming you did not watch it (I expect you were in a photoshoot or being bought drinks by a stud at the time) was about the Romans being all-inclusive, welcoming everyone into their fold. Doesn’t that sound lovely, Sam?

In reality, you have not practiced that which you preached. You have been isolated, and isolated others. You have been bullied, and you have bullied others. And worse still, Sam, you have done this to your fellow women.

And that’s why I’m writing. I can forgive you your superiority, I can forget your cruel words, I will do my utmost not to reject you because I envy your looks (though I can’t make any promises) but, Sam…. Where is your sense of sisterhood?

It’s time you took a leaf out of Caitlin Moran’s book. Lead by example, Sam, and honour your fellow women by keeping in mind all that our sisters have been through to enable you to be a journalist, say what you think, vote and wear trousers.

But I think I’ve said quite enough. As my Grandad used to say ‘I may not be smart, but I’m smart enough to know when to keep quiet.’

Your fellow sister,

Lucy