Shoot like an Olympian

Dear Mum,

Dad and I have this month started training for Rio 2016.

We attended an archery experience day set amid an idyllic orchard, which included a series of themed targets, including woodland creatures and stuffed meerkats.

It began well when Dad was the only archer in a group of about 35 to hit a ten point target. He grew from strength to strength, channelling Robin Hood (perhaps thanks to you singing the Disney theme tune before we set off in the morning) as he destroyed creatures and Romans alike.

(Rest assured, no real animals or Romans were harmed in the making of this carnage.)

I have wanted to learn archery for some ten years. I can’t quite tell you why. Perhaps because women have a good track record – the Amazon tribe allegedly lopping off a breast to improve their aim in the Trojan War.

And it being one of the few sports in recent centuries in which it was socially acceptable for women to compete in – particularly if, in this instance, they kept both breasts attached.

I think there is also an appeal in its art and historical importance. Take the legendary taunting of two fingers, directed at the French. What’s not to like about a sport that encourages a rude gesture at your rival nation?

Back to modern day, I was a big disappointment. Our instructors couldn’t fathom why I kept missing the target – my frame was there, my shots were consistent, but could I hit the bugger of a meerkat?

No. Not so simples.

The day ended and I’m determined to keep practising.

The key downside to archery is that it’s not the kind of sport you can practice in your back garden. It would be a huge health and safety issue, not to mention our garden isn’t really big enough.

But there are definitely some advantages.

Take the boy next door, whose balls constantly appear over the fence and nestle themselves in our lawn. 

Accidentally of course. But no less irritating.

Perhaps a few arrows over into his garden wouldn’t go amiss. Through one of his tennis balls even.

Perhaps not even specifically tennis.

So I have decided that today is the day when I begin my mission to achieve my key aims in life, which, you will see below, are structured, logical and thus entirely achievable.

1)      Take up archery and compete in an Olympic games. Does not specifically have to be 2016, provided I win gold and have a good bawl on the podium. This will lead to...

2)     Who Do You Think You Are? inviting me to take part on the show. Fingers crossed we’re related to someone awesome, like Elizabeth I (pretty unlikely, I know) or Freddie Mercury. This will lead to...

3)     Strictly Come Dancing inviting me to take part on the show. Fingers crossed I don’t get paired with Vincent. This will lead to...

4)     Taking up tap dance again (giving it up after spraining my ankle by chasing the neighbour’s vicious cat in heels [me, not the cat] age 17, sober I hasten to add) for a stage show in the West End. This will lead to...

5)     Writing a biography of my life, which will become a bestseller, trumping Fifty Shades, and will be made into a film with Gemma Arterton playing yours truly.

Hmm... looking at the list I best get practicing. I need to source some tennis ball and stuffed meerkats, begin looking into a bit of our family history and avoid the neighbour’s cat... Or use it for target practice...